husband

Context

So, I was listening to The Rookie (television show) playing on the car's stereo while driving from class. And I realized that I am not like the main character. I was shocked to realize I'm like Bradford (the ultra non-nonsense cop who is several of the new rookies' TOs).

This was Season 1 Episode 12 (Heartbreak) where he's chatting with his actual wife - who he had disconnected from because she had made some horrible life choices and had basically become a different person.

It broaches several topics ...

* How do you maintain a relationship with someone who has chosen a compromised moral position?

* How do you forgive and love someone who has made a fundamentally unforgivable choice?

* Do you have to know, really know, the sorts of decisions someone makes to fully forgive them?

* Is, as The Joker espouses, everyone one bad day away from becoming a bad person?

* If you have high-standards for your spouse, and your spouse earnestly wants to satisfy those standards, but while you expect those standards, it is hard to honor however she can satisfy them while not also being disappointed in the standards she did not keep?

Discovery

The revelation I had has a few parts.

Firstly: Have more grace for my wife.

That's a challenge for me, because the only way I'm currently aware of having grace for her is to simply not hold her to any standards. I don't really know how to have communication or behavior expectations and then be gentle when they are not met. Contrariwise, most of my life requires me to depend upon her. So, I'm left with this problem that I need to simultaneously trust she's reliable, that I can depend upon her, that she is honest and truthful - and then, when she messes up, not hold her accountable. I'm painfully aware this is an application of Corinthians 13 - you can't get much more literal than that. And the easiest way for me to have patience and kindness and such is to simply not have any expectations of her. However, when I do that, I feel I cannot depend upon her ... and so I start making decisions as if she isn't in my life.

Ignoring the challenges of living it out, giving someone grace that someone hasn't earned is easy as long as you don't have to internalize depending on them. There's no cost.

Call to action: Develop behaviors that increase the likelihood that my default response to her is kindness and autonomous grace.

Secondly: Be mindlessly kind to my wife.

I was at a work function and was impressed by how one coworker and his wife got along. My first response was to almost be triggered by their sweetness - but then I realized I was envious. I had that specific kind of relationship before we had kids (when you have no other obligations and your whole world is you and your spouse) and it was almost like I was psychic. I understood what she needed. I could provide the emotional support that she craved (at least a little bit) and I didn't have to schedule spending time with her. She was always there in my life and I was in hers.

And then we added constraints - bigger house, more kids, increased work responsibility, and suddenly we are not really one flesh any longer. That was my favorite part of being married - feeling like I finally had my person. And, as far as I can figure, unless you can guard it, you simply lose it. But seeing my coworker have that kind of relationship implies, to me, that even if you don't ever get it back, you can still be kind.

And so, that's something else I want. To give the impression to others that we're good. Not to trick them - but to present as a couple that has a unified front. To have behaviors that convey that connection that we don't have - or at least I don't feel we have.

And, if done properly, this will help my kids see this is how to treat your spouse.

Call to action: Identify a set of behaviors that default my interaction with my wife to give external evidence that we care about one another.

--------------------------

The other approach would be to trust the feedback above as evidence whatever approach I have is flawed but canvas the Bible for how I really out to interact with my wife. I have low confidence for this but I've known people who have done it. So if the above don't work, perhaps try it anyway.